A few extra "I love you's" this morning. . .

I tried to write this blog post all weekend. . .

I even wrote it all out before I started typing (which I never do), and then couldn't find the notebook I wrote all my thoughts in. . .

So here goes. . .

Friday I was a mess.

I'm sure everyone had those feelings of "I don't know how to feel".

My children are the world to me.

(Along with my husband and I could do an entire post about that. . . maybe I should)

And when I heard the news on Friday it shook me.

But to be honest my initial reaction wasn't fear about losing my own children,

it was complete devastation for the families who lost theirs.

And then I thought about those teachers.

And the families children, moms and dads who now feel so alone.

And then I thought about my mom.

My mom passed away 4 short months before 9/11.

I thought of my mom welcoming all those parents into heaven and being there to comfort them and letting them know it would be ok. Their children and families would be ok. 

And in some small sense it gave me comfort.

This time I thought of my mom embracing each of those children

and it made me miss her.

So I was a mess.

I broke down in the bank of all places.

Right there as I was handing the teller my mortgage payment.

Tears streaming down my face.

She walked around the counter and gave me a hug.

It's funny how your kids get older and you go through little things and your kids have to do things which teach you that you all of a sudden don't have complete control over them.

I remember for me that moment was a time that Kyle and I were going to the temple.

It happened to be on a night where both my boys had baseball practice.

I had a babysitter come over to the house with Kara and had arranged a ride home for Kale and a ride home for Kris, but it was the first time that I wasn't going to be home to make sure they got there.

And being at the temple I knew I wasn't even going to get a phone call letting me know they were safe.

That was a big moment for me.

All moms have to go through those moments.

And it's hard.

When Kale got home from school on Friday he asked me if I had heard what happened.

 I told him yes and we started to talk about it.

When he realized that it was an elementary school and that small children were killed, 

I could tell he was concerned.

His thoughts immediately turned to the lockdown our elementary school had a few weeks ago.

There was a man with a gun "around" the school.

The children were never in any danger and our school and local police handled the situation perfectly.

BUT, Kale looked at me and said,

"what if that had been Kris's school?"

I looked right at him, and trying to hold it together I said,

"Kale, it is so sad for me as a mom to not be able to say to you that I can PROTECT you and keep you safe from everything in this world"

That started a conversation between him and I.

I told him that today more than any day, I was grateful for my knowledge of the

Plan of Salvation. 

We talked. I talked. He mostly listened,

until. . .

I thought the conversation was coming to an end and he gave me the biggest hug and said,

"Mom, you don't have to worry about not being able to PROTECT me, you PROTECT me because you PREPARE me".

There it was.

A lesson from my 12 year old.

And all of a sudden I gained an entire new perspective on Motherhood.

One I think I knew but had never thought about it in such a way.

We are so concerned about PROTECTING our children.

and my 12 year old taught me the most important thing we can do for our children is to

PREPARE them.

Prepare them by arming them with a knowledge of who they are.

I am even more thankful now for the 2013 primary theme

I AM A CHILD OF GOD.

Prepare them by giving them opportunities to build their faith.

Prepare them so that if and it's a big if they are ever faced with a situation like what happened on Friday that they won't be afraid because they were prepared.

Still, there were a few extra "I love you's" this morning as I dropped each of the boys off at school this morning.